Acknowledging the Fear

So this is my first post! I think that would probably be good news if I was starting my journey. However, I am almost 11 months in with the Realize band. I guess I should rewind and at least tell the story from the beginning!

My name is Lisa. I am 37 years old. I have been married for 18 years and I have 9 year old twin boys. I decided to undergo surgery for gastric banding a little over a year ago. I got the Realize band on July 10, 2010. This blog was meant to chronicle my journey trying to find myself without the extra 100 lbs I have been carrying. It was easy in the beginning to just let the weight come off. I ate a tiny amount of food and lost weight. So far, I have lost 59 lbs. That is a great weight loss. I am not unhappy with it. But I haven't lost any weight since January. Matter of fact, I have gained 11 lbs. I had lost 70 lbs. It appears I have fallen head first into the difficult part of this journey.

I watched Losing It with Jillian Michaels last night. The girl on that show was thin because she had the gastric bypass surgery (different from the gastric band) but she still struggled because bariatric surgery can change the physical aspect of weight but not the mental aspect. Listening to Jillian say this on the show last night made me realize that is the missing link. I honestly thought I was passed this. I thought I had reconciled these feelings. I really thought I would have the surgery, the weight would come off and I would be happy. I did have the surgery. The weight started coming off. Was I happy? Yes. I was very happy. At first. Then I started thinking. I started thinking that after 15 plus years of being morbidly obese that I didn't know who I was NOT morbidly obese. I remember being a teenager without a weight problem. But I am certainly not going to act like that. I am an adult with a husband and children and a job. Who am I? What does this 'not obese' person want from life? It sounds kind of exciting. I can be whoever I want to be! My initial reaction was I am afraid to fail. I realized last night that isn't true. I am afraid to succeed. If I succeed, I have to make these decisions. I have to live through the change. I won't have the I'm-too-fat excuse that I have been using for everything. I can't go back to school and actually make a decision about what I want to do with my life. If I am fat, I avoid these decisions. I don't have to make choices or take risks.

So, last night, I realized that in order to get unstuck, I have to face my fear of success. To face it, I have to write about it. Even if no one ever reads it, I still have to get it out of my head. I still have 58 lbs to lose according to my surgeon. (I would be happy with 45) I thought my journey started last July but I was wrong. Even after losing 59 lbs, my journey starts here. Today.