Learning Curve

I am tired! Worked 6 days this week. Day 6 was Friday but I got off early. Ran errands Friday afternoon. It was hot and there is just TOO MUCH road construction! Grrrr!!! Saturday is cleaning day at my house. The house got a 'lick and a promise' this week so I could get in the kitchen and start cooking! I made a big pot of meatballs. I also made roasted sweet potatoes with apples and onion. I hardboiled two dozen eggs for deviled eggs. I made some purees for shakes with my vitamix to freeze. Sunday was a day of work. Then home to cook some more! Today, I made chocolate peanut butter ice cream, made the deviled eggs, hash brown casserole, grilled some steaks and baked a pan of brownies. The only thing I didn't make for the week was some chicken salad. I will do that tomorrow. So now I have random food for the week. I am having to learn my band all over again with the fill. Half a meatball is really too much food. I ate that for lunch today and was very uncomfortable for about an hour. I wasn't hungry for dinner at all but felt like I should eat something. I had one deviled egg, a couple tablespoons of hash brown casserole and a nibble of steak. I did make dessert but I don't think I will partake. I had my weigh in yesterday and lost 3 lbs this week! Yay! The band is doing it's job. Now, if only I could band my brain so it won't tell me to eat food when I am not hungry! :)

Love My Band!

Monday I received a 'fill'. That is basically where the technician at the surgeon's office inserts a special needle into the port located under the skin in the abdomen and injects saline to the tube that surrounds the band. This is done to further constrict the band. Basically, the food stays in the pouch longer and I feel satisfied longer. I was way overdue for a fill. I guess I thought I could be one of the exceptions that didn't need fills and could lose all my weight without doing that. That kind of thinking is just destructive! Sometimes, I am just too stubborn for my own good! (Hope my husband doesn't read this or I will never hear the end of it) I have the tool. I went so far as to have a medical device inserted into my body but then I want to be stubborn and not use it properly? This was only my second fill in almost a year. Surgery July. 1st fill in January and now 2nd fill. I have a total of 4cc in my band. So here is what I ate today... Breakfast was a protein shake. My surgeon says I shouldn't drink my calories but I can confess here. She won't read my blog, right? I like the Click Mocha protein powder mixed with half cup of frozen cherries, one cup of milk and some ice cubes in my Vitamix. I could create a whole blog about my Vitamix but we won't go there. At least not today. :) Lunch was a half cup of refried beans with cheese and sour cream served with 10 tortilla chips. Couldn't quite finish the beans. About 3pm I felt like I should have a snack. Wasn't hungry but felt like I should eat a snack. I had half a yoplait light thick and creamy cinnamon roll yogurt. Dinner was half cup of homemade chicken salad with two wheat thin flatbread crackers. YUM! Completely full and satisfied. Aside from lack of vegetables which I will remedy tomorrow, this is how the band should work! Loving my band!

Perception

When I was at my heaviest I avoided cameras. I had to look in mirrors to put my makeup on but I never really 'saw' myself. Denial is a powerful thing. In my mind, I wasn't obese. I never thought of myself in those terms. I really didn't. If someone was very sneaky and snapped a picture of me, I almost never recognized myself. Who is that fat person? Is that me? Huh, must have been a bad angle or something. A few years ago, I was walking in a strip mall and I saw a reflection in the glass. I thought, 'wow, that person is really heavy' and then I turned around to see them and there was no one there but me. Isn't it funny how we perceive things?

So we put our pool up today in the backyard. Just a little above ground pool. We had to level the ground and all that. It was supposed to be 110 degrees out today. Did I mention I live in the Phoenix area? I am sunburned like you wouldn't believe! Anyway, as the pool was filling this afternoon I went searching for a bathing suit. Wouldn't ya know it? I got rid of them all. They were all too big! I went to Target to see if I could just find a basic suit. I walked in the door of Target and walked right passed the swim suits. I went all the way back to the 'women's' department. I saw all those 2-3-4XL suits and I was looking for my size. I can tell you I flipped through suits for about 5 minutes before I realized I shouldn't be in that section! I felt weird going back up to the front of the store to look at swim suits. Really. I thought someone was going to see me up there and tell me I shouldn't be there. I think I probably weigh now what I had envisioned when I was at my heaviest. But I see myself heavy now, when I didn't before? If that isn't just short of crazy, I don't know what is!

Acknowledging the Fear

So this is my first post! I think that would probably be good news if I was starting my journey. However, I am almost 11 months in with the Realize band. I guess I should rewind and at least tell the story from the beginning!

My name is Lisa. I am 37 years old. I have been married for 18 years and I have 9 year old twin boys. I decided to undergo surgery for gastric banding a little over a year ago. I got the Realize band on July 10, 2010. This blog was meant to chronicle my journey trying to find myself without the extra 100 lbs I have been carrying. It was easy in the beginning to just let the weight come off. I ate a tiny amount of food and lost weight. So far, I have lost 59 lbs. That is a great weight loss. I am not unhappy with it. But I haven't lost any weight since January. Matter of fact, I have gained 11 lbs. I had lost 70 lbs. It appears I have fallen head first into the difficult part of this journey.

I watched Losing It with Jillian Michaels last night. The girl on that show was thin because she had the gastric bypass surgery (different from the gastric band) but she still struggled because bariatric surgery can change the physical aspect of weight but not the mental aspect. Listening to Jillian say this on the show last night made me realize that is the missing link. I honestly thought I was passed this. I thought I had reconciled these feelings. I really thought I would have the surgery, the weight would come off and I would be happy. I did have the surgery. The weight started coming off. Was I happy? Yes. I was very happy. At first. Then I started thinking. I started thinking that after 15 plus years of being morbidly obese that I didn't know who I was NOT morbidly obese. I remember being a teenager without a weight problem. But I am certainly not going to act like that. I am an adult with a husband and children and a job. Who am I? What does this 'not obese' person want from life? It sounds kind of exciting. I can be whoever I want to be! My initial reaction was I am afraid to fail. I realized last night that isn't true. I am afraid to succeed. If I succeed, I have to make these decisions. I have to live through the change. I won't have the I'm-too-fat excuse that I have been using for everything. I can't go back to school and actually make a decision about what I want to do with my life. If I am fat, I avoid these decisions. I don't have to make choices or take risks.

So, last night, I realized that in order to get unstuck, I have to face my fear of success. To face it, I have to write about it. Even if no one ever reads it, I still have to get it out of my head. I still have 58 lbs to lose according to my surgeon. (I would be happy with 45) I thought my journey started last July but I was wrong. Even after losing 59 lbs, my journey starts here. Today.